Jon left today. Took off from my house at about 2:00 PM. That's the last time I think I'll see him in 4 months.
Called me once he got to Milwaukee, about 6:50 PM. Called back at about 8:15 PM. Made his final call at 10:00 PM.
"Hola" - me
"Hi. What are you doing?"
"Waiting for Stephie. You having fun yet?" - me
"No. I was actually just about to go to bed, but I wanted to call you and tell you that I'll miss you..."
"I'll miss you, too." - me
"...and I love you."
"..." - me
"...I love you, too." - me
"..." - me
"You still there?" - me
"...?" - me
Is it really possible for someone to be gone that quick? I should know... but I just don't want to believe it.
I know... I'm making it sound like it's the last time I'll ever hear from him, and in a way, I think it is.
Everyone seems to change in Basic. I've not met a single person come out the same--though one change did come back a better person... I'm scared that the guy I fell in the love with is going to turn out like the last guy I loved that went through Basic... And I know they're two completely different people, but I'm still afraid.
I think I cried harder in the last half hour than I have in the last 6 years... or so it feels.
I feel so fucking lonely, and no one can comfort me but one other person... and she's hundreds of miles away from here. I'm past the point of numb to the point where I'm cracking. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where to go... what I'm doing... anything.
This really fucking sucks.
Nov. 6th, 2007 @ 08:46 pm
Well, where did I leave off? How I hate losing people, I'm sure.
Well, after the whole James and Steph disagreement, I lost Randy, but for reasons I found were completely wrong... I guess shit happens. Don't get me wrong: I'd love to talk to him again, but I've never been one to initiate things... so, I guess I'll have to deal. Besides: I hate Justine, and if I was forced to ever be around her, I would probably shoot myself instead of being in her presence--that's how much I hate her.
Maybe it's jealousy... maybe it's not. Who knows; who cares...
Either way, at this point in my life, I've regained friendship with a couple people I thought I had lost, and I've lost a couple friends I didn't think I would. Kinda funny how things twist in and out of proportion like that.
Jon just left for Boot Camp. Thrilling.
The only person who really hung out with me at all in the last couple months--gone.
I was listening to Travellin' Soldier by the Dixie Chicks earlier, and my eyes swelled with tears. For the first time in years, it just happened to play on the radio. I wish I could round up the courage to tell Jon I like him, but I'm too afraid.
In all honesty, I'm really afraid he'll come back like Kyle. I really don't want him to go to Basic, but I guess he's got no choice.
He called me about an hour ago, and I think that's the last I'll hear from him in about 4 months... if not longer.
He has elaborate plans for his future, and I don't mean to be the one to pop his bubble, but really doesn't understand how the financial situation of the National Guard works. Nor does he understand the schooling and the mental burdens it creates...
I don't know. Maybe I'm highly underestimating him. Maybe I'm just really terrified--probably the case--but I know this much: I'm going to miss him more and more every day...
I plan on moving to Alabama shortly... get away from this town.
I don't feel as if I'm ever going to get anywhere here. I think there's something in Alabama waiting for me to find it. I need to go. I don't just want to. I NEED to.
Who knows. Maybe my life will reverse. Maybe something great will come of me moving.
Maybe nothing but heartache, stress, and misery. Whatever it is, I want to find it. I want out of this stupid town.
I understand all towns are the same when everything boils down to it, but I just can't take this particular town anymore. I need out.
I'll get out.
Everyone's telling me I'm just being impulsive, and I'll regret it, but really, I think it's just that they're angry that I'll be out before them.
I suppose I'll wrap this all up with this:
* Friends come
* Friends go
* I let go of the past
* I fall in love
* He leaves
* I move away
...maybe I'm running again.
Wouldn't suprise me a bit.
I feel like everyone is turning their backs on me. Kinda like they see the way I've changed as being negative...
I know I've changed, but I'm happy with the changes I've made. I'm less frustrated most of the time, and I have an easier time sleeping at night... but it's hard to be proud of myself when I feel like everyone else is started to look down on me.
I have to say "thank you" to Dustin one of these days, because as little as he knows me, he knew enough about me to tell me straight up today, "Everything changes, and whether or not people acknowledge it as a good or bad thing, it only really matters if you think it's good or bad."
Though, this being utterly true, I must say that I still feel somewhat insignificant and insecure about the way I am now.
Tonight, my friends left me to hang out with another friend of mine--one of my best friends, I thought--and I just sat and wondered two things: 1) how could they just up and leave like that? 2) Why doesn't she ever call me after work or anything...?
I feel like I'm falling out of touch with the people I've deemed closest, and I'm really sick of "falling out" of friendships about now.
I've lost Randy. James. Joey and Devin--for the most part. Stephie--as a close, close friend. Deanna--though I could take that... Kyle. Megan. Ashley. LeaAnne. Everyone. Now, I feel like I'm losing the last person left that I called my friend, really.
I haven't had this problem for a while, but I lay in bed at night sometimes, wondering if I should go grab my father's gun and put it to my head... wondering if any of them would really give two shits. Then there are times where I want to run and run and never come back. I'm still contemplating it...
Even Oshkosh didn't calm me down this time.
It just riled me up even more...
I want someone to step into my life and save me, because I feel like I've got a thousand spears circled around me, all ready to be thrown, and there's no one willing to swing down and carry me out of this pit.
Is it fair that I'm the one watching him walk away, waiting and knowing that the path he's walking doesn't lead to me...? Should I have waited for him?
Well, I didn't. Then, I found out that--finally--the path was leading towards me.
In the beginning, I didn't think he liked me. 4 years ago, and I didn't think I was anything special to him. I had low esteem and respect at the time. Now, years later, I know he liked--and apparently still likes--me, but now, it's vice versa. I used to say I would never do anything with him because we were too good of friends... then, one day, things just... changed. I never thought about him when with my ex, other than when my ex was ragging on me for the fact that he was afraid I would cheat on him with my friend... but whatever... I almost lost my best friend in that--and that's ALL we were... but as soon as I broke up with my ex, we got a lot closer. One day... I just... got drunk... and spilled it all. By that point, I guess HE was the one afraid that we were too good of friends... -.- Go figure...
...but then, after our dispute/misunderstanding, I thought he hated me. So, I started dating someone new. I didn't wait, because he treated me so indifferently I couldn't handle waiting anymore! So I just gave up and started dating... then, I realized that I still had feelings for him... a lot of them, unfortunately... so I broke up with my boyfriend. It wasn't fair that he was giving me his whole heart and I was only giving him a fraction. It hurt. But I did it. Now... I realize it was pointless, because the original target of my affection started dating someone else.
-.- After we were sooo close the other night! I know he wasn't using me... but I almost feel like I'm wrong... because I'm so angry. I'm sick of being the 'good' friend between his relationships... :(
...I guess it's just easier for me to "make him out to be the asshole as opposed to making myself out to be the idiot"... O,o
Is any of this really fair?
And what dumb, desperate, whorish bitch would start dating someone with HICKIES all up and down their neck?! -.-
This world disappoints me sometimes... well, I suppose more ignorance... but... nonetheless.
I need something to support me right now, because I opened that damn box of emotion, and now, they're running loose, and I can't gather them all together by myself. It's too stressful and exhausting... but I'm too scared to admit the fact that I have feelings for the guy...
Apart from the relationship issues, there's this revolution I'm starting: the arts against sports. Pretty much... the school course referendum passed last year... but they're still gonna cut the art department--even though it ties in to the theatrical department, which is best in the state, 10th in the nation--to make way for a soccer team that already exists through the community... -.- If they need the money, then I'll get the students together to raise it myself. There are more art students then there are sport jockeys... and even some of the sport freaks are into the arts... How can they take those kids and pretty much say that they're better than the art students--even though kids see more scholarships through the art department than through the sports...? Our art departments--visual, literary, and musical--are all excelled and have a reputation throughout the state... our sports... nadda. We suck when it comes to sports. Also, there are more kids into the arts than there are in sports. If a kid joins one sport, they're pretty much garanteed a spot on any team they want because of the favortist concepts... -.- whatever...
I'm just gonna start a revolution. :)
Then there's the home life... god, dare I get into it?!
Well, my brother's birthday was today. He's 24. Yeah... a little old to be at home still... but my brothers stay home to help my dad out with bills and whatnot... sooo... they really don't have money to get a place of their own yet... but anyways...
I think that pretty much states that my dad is low on funds...
So my brother doesn't come down when asked to celebrate his birthday, because he was too busy playing games online... then, he comes down. We do the birthday thing. He seemed unenthused with his gifts--one of which he wanted, but it wasn't up to par... "Aaron has a really nice one..." ...and not even a "thank you"... -.- Not cool. Not at all. The look in my dad's eyes... it was so hurtful. I mean... couldn't he have at least seemed SOMEWHAT enthused?! Then, when my dad went to cut the cake, he bitched about the fact that it was "small and pink". My dad pretty much told me it's all he could afford... and I felt so bad that I didn't eat any--but I really don't like cake, and he knows that--because nobody else seemed to appreciate the fact that he had gotten it. :(
It was really heartbreaking, actually...
I hate it when people take advantage of my dad... and I hate ungratefulness... >:|
I'm just anticipating this job... because even if it's hectic, it'll get me away from all these other areas of life... and maybe I'll have a new thing to stress about... as opposed to all this. Then again, it might just be ANOTHER problem to add on to the weight I've got...
I've decided that I realize now what I hate the most in life: Ignorant people. Granted, I've always hated ignorance, no doubt, but there are certain types of 'ignorant', and once you cross that line into the 'ignorant naivity', you've got yourself on my shit list.
I've pretty much decided that I can't stand people who don't know what the hell they're talking about.
As an example, I'm going to state phrases, but no names.
"I don't think I should be a mother."
"I wouldn't be a very good one."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, my mom told me something a year ago that I've come to grasp as very true."
"I'm very cold towards people."
Right there! That one fucking phrase! You know what you are?! You are the most naive individual in the world, and close-minded at that--most times. You are warm-hearted and kind. You tell people what they ask of you. YOU ARE NOT FUCKING COLD!!!
Cold is when you suffocate in a massive ball of lies and deciet of your own making! Cold is when you care so little that you become utterly selfless and defeated. Cold is when you wake up in the middle of the night wondering and decifering what's true of your life and what's not; remembering bits and pieces--merely fragments--of what you call a memory because you hyped them up to be so perfect to everyone else that you, yourself, began to believe! Cold... is not you.
I am cold. I am cold to the point in which I've lied to even my best friends... people that put their faith and trust in me. I've made myself out to be perfect in situations that were no where near perfection. I've made myself out to be the good guy in every bad thing in my life. I've made myself out to be the one that gets hurt... because in reality, I can't face the fact that I'm the one hurting them... until now.
I use and manipulate. I search and destroy. I've become so selfless, I'm selfish in the scheme.
Cold is when you turn away, not seeing anything you had, because when it all falls down in the end, you didn't see it satisfying enough... nothing was pleasant to you. You always sought for something bigger and better. You couldn't handle the mediocre (if that) life you were living... You twisted and writhed in the grips of your heart--which has turned so gray from frost-bite... but it's not black. It lingers between good and bad... never one or the other. You are constantly in the rush of the storm, where one front meets another, blowing you so out of proportion you can't even stand.
Cold is when no matter how many arms are wrapped around you, you're still just the same inside: cold.
...and that naivity makes me want to kill you, because you have something I can never seem to find... no matter how many times I try... how many people I hurt in the process and don't care about... no matter how much guilt I have to feel, because I don't feel guilty about manipulating the people I do... no matter where I turn to step away and leave people lost in the woods, trodding on a path that they'd never walked...
...and I hate you for wanting it...
...and I hate myself for having it...
But it's the one thing I can say is mine and not yours.
|» Movie: 300|
So we went to see a movie tonight after me sleeping like... all day. It was interesting... I got a call earlier from someone I absolutely (want to) hate... but yeah... just made me want to curl up into a ball and sleep... like most things do when I'm to the point of "fuck it"...|
So I did. :)
Anyways... Jessie and Damien came over, and we were gonna head out to Rec. Center... but we didn't, cause I guess not many people were gonna be there... so we went to see the movie 300. It was awesome
Damien paid for me (as well as for the most expensive soda he's ever paid for in his life! ^ . ^ :)
Anyways... skipping through a lot of the movie... I came to the conclusion that had I lived in that time period, the God-wannabe dude would have been me: kind and generous as long as the people bowed down to me... lol Then, the piercings and whatnot... the only difference is the height (cause this dude was fucking HUGE!!!) and the fact that I wouldn't have bled... ^ . ^ lol Other than that, though... yeah... I'd be the God-wannabe... but I'd also be a god... sooooo...
Anyways... we got back to my house, and I was making the statement that I want a pocket-Spartan... that'd rock. lol AND... I've just decided that I'm making a new condom. They have Trojan condoms... but they break easily... so I'm gonna make a Spartan condom... and the motto: An unbreakable force. :) That's right... cause I rock.
Anyways... I suppose that's all... Jessie's all like... Hurry, hurry... it's almost 11:00... O,o lol ...and she just bit me cause she knows I'm right... :P lol
|» Too Long... (continued)|
Since it's been so long, I'm going to post a list of everything that's been pissing me off and irritating me lately.|
*It pisses me off that Jessie has hung out with my siblings more than I have.
*It pisses me off that she's partied more than I have recently.
*It pisses me off that my older brothers will probably include Philip in their lives more than they have me.
*It pisses me off that when I express myself, I'm shut down.
*It pisses me off that my friends treat me like I'm a fucking idiot.
*It pisses me off that the people I love don't love me, but the people I don't love can't seem to let me go.
*It pisses me off that my "friends" disclude me in shit.
*It pisses me off that I can't get drunk when I want to, but when I don't want to, there's alcohol everywhere.
*It pisses me off that there's nothing better to do than party.
*It pisses me off that I've gone pretty much nowhere with my life.
*It pisses me off that I can't get a fucking job.
*It pisses me off that I don't have my license, and that it's suspended for some odd months.
*It pisses me off that cigarettes are so damn expensive.
*It pisses me off that I have no real plans for the future.
*It pisses me off that I suck at everything I like and have no real talent.
*It pisses me off that I'm so damn paranoid all the time.
*It pisses me off that I can't feel pain anymore.
*It pisses me off that what I want is too far out of reach to have.
*It pisses me off that I still feel akward around Randy.
*It pisses me off that Jay's out of town.
*It pisses me off that I'm just sitting here when I want to be partying.
*It pisses me off when people bitch and moan when they have no real reason to do so.
*It pisses me off that time goes too fast.
*It pisses me off that I'm so confused.
*It pisses me off when I can't cry, even when I want to, but when I try not to, I do.
*It pisses me off that I'm nothing close to what I wanted to be.
*It pisses me off that I'm too afraid to say things--or not say things.
*It pisses me off that I pull away when I get too close.
*It pisses me off that I'm never content.
*It pisses me off that I always seem to be second-best.
*It pisses me off that I've completely lost my wits.
*It pisses me off that I'm too afraid to take action.
Now for what I miss:
*I miss Tomy.
*I miss the way Randy used to treat me.
*I miss Jay always being there for me.
*I miss hanging out with all three of those guys at once.
*I miss having stability.
*I miss my defensive and witty remarks.
*I miss being treated with respect.
*I miss my family and being able to just sit and talk to them.
*I miss Jake.
*I miss Viktor and Dames.
*I miss Joey--or at least, Joey when we first met.
*I miss being a Freshman and not giving two shits about anything or anyone.
*I miss LeaAnne.
*I miss being able to take a hit to the heart and just let it slide.
*I miss that black hole in which my heart finally filled in.
*I miss not caring.
*I miss being selfish.
*I miss being financially stable.
*I miss partying 24/7.
*I miss school--to a degree.
*I miss being able to bleed without having to care that someone was watching for cuts.
*I miss being able to write constantly without ever having writer's block.
*I miss having a plan.
*I miss the time I wasted.
*I miss sitting up all night and laughing with friends--not faking it, either.
*I miss cocaine.
*I miss my 90s music.
*I miss Kyle.
*I miss Oshkosh and not having any worries while there.
*I miss myself.
*I miss my pills.
*I miss that feeling you get when someone holds you at night and you know you'd do anything for them.
*I miss having hope.
*I miss my strength and courage to do whatever.
*I miss drugs.
*I miss everything.
|» Too Long|
I've been so caught up in life lately, I almost feel as if I've moved on from this place. I miss it, though. I miss being able to release everything in my head onto this journal that few know of...|
Well, for starters, I broke up with my dead-beat boyfriend (ex, of course), and I'm now dating someone I met over the past summer--Damien. Thus far, I feel content about this relationship... but I'm scared, too, cause I know that summer is bringing something to me... something--maybe a move, or a person... I have no idea... but I can feel it.
Either way... we'll see what happens with that.
Other than that, all I have to say right now is that things have fallen so far out of balance in my life, but they're finally starting to fall back into place--a major plus. I miss being able to smile and say I am actually happy while doing so...
It's been so long.
Then again, there's a part of me that's crying inside. I miss my best friends--Randy and Jay.
Okay, so let's start from the top:
I met a guy named Jon. He was the initial push for me to break up with my ex, cause I saw how much fun I had just SKIPPING SCHOOL with this kid, and I wanted back what I had before--freedom. So I took it. Anyways... Jon and I became good friends. As well as Ryan--Jon's "brutha".
...but I wasn't happy for long, really... about 3 months after meeting him--if that--I was finally able to show my love for someone I really, really cared (and still care) about... Randy.
Well, we would go partying, and for once, I was so happy just sitting there "dicking around" with the kid... he really is my savior in many ways... but yes... I couldn't find myself asking him out or anything--been friends for a long time--but yeah... I love the kid, and when we were all "close", I felt like a major weight had been lifted. I had finally gained some self-confidence and self-respect for myself... then *poof*... it disappeared just as quickly as it had come.
Well, to make a long story short, Jon blamed me for saying some shit I never said. In the midst of that, I guess I said something about Randy--even though I've never spoken a harsh word of the kid before--and Randy pretty much despised me. A week later, Jon and I made up and whatnot... but Randy and I didn't make up until New Year's Eve...
Well, I suppose that was okay... at least he's not completely ignoring me--I mean, he could at least look at me again... sooo... I didn't feel as much like a piece of shit as I did before this point in time... but things didn't seem to be right...
Then everything started to fall back into place again... Except for the fact that I was too scared to trust anyone after that... too scared to accept anyone else into my life... too scared to even accept my closest friends. I was constantly crying out of the blue... and I couldn't eat or sleep... and when I could, I over-indulged in them both. It was probably the worst feeling I've EVER felt... and let me tell you: I've felt a lot of shit... but nothing this bad.
I felt... betrayed, I guess. Worse than when Deanna did me over... or Joey... or anyone else. I just... lost it, I guess.
Anyways... currently, I'm falling back to pieces--debating if he still accepts me or completely resents me...
Other than that, I've realized what a big problem of mine is: I want to be accepted... I'm sick of coming in second place to everyone else.
A quick example is this: I have a lot of male friends... I know their my friends, but I feel as if there's a box they're standing in... then they draw a line through the middle and tell me to come in. They're all on one side of the box, which no one else can come in, but they won't let me cross that line... cause I'm a girl... and whatnot... and I hate it. Then, there's the fact that I feel as if I'm always doing something wrong... someone else has always done this or that better than I have...
Like I'm running a race, and I'm winning. The crowd in the background is yelling my name so loud that I'm almost to the point of cocky when it comes to self-esteem and whatnot... then, a few feet before the finish line, I fall, and as quickly as I get back up, someone is in front of me already, and I can't catch up... so they win, and instantly, the people in the crowd--the one's cheering my name--are judging their judgements on me... and it hurts... so bad.
Other than all that, though, I've been debating moving--as I have for a while--but there are people that I don't want to abandon... I'd feel like I'm weaker than I am: running from my problems...
Anyways... I'm kinda tired, and I really can't concentrate on what I'm saying anymore... cause now I'm thinking too much and I'm flustered... sooo...
"Did you anticipate this!?" I asked him sarcastically, grinning all the while.|
"I think the question is: did YOU anticipate this...?" he replied with firmness. I looked at him, questioning his motives at the moment. He understood and hit me hard.
"Think about it: without me, you can never be whole. Now that I'm sitting here, you'll remain fragmented until I return. Meanwhile, where will you stand? I was your structure. I gave you your stability, and without me, you fall. I have no end. I will come back. You, on the other hand, end in pieces. You shatter just as easily as a rose soaked in nitric acid. To develop you would be like producing nitroglycerin. In that, we've created nothing but pure destruction. So where will you be without me? Are you the ticking time bomb I think you are, or will you spite me and become something completely different? Will you stand, holding all the weight, or will you drop dead on the curb? Oh, yes: I anticipated this... but did you?" he replied wickedly.
I feel like death. Not like I want to kill someone, nor kill myself... not because I don't feel alive... not because I lack a pulse... merely because I'm exhausted. I feel as if I'm living on a different plane. I almost believe that no one sees me anymore. Did they forget me?
As I walked home today, I realized that, even though I know so many people, I don't know anyone. How sad is that?
In fact, I don't know where this is going. I just had those two thoughts in my head and had to quickly write them down.
|» I'm So Sick|
Once again, this infection is taking over my existence. It's horrid. My throat is swollen. My eyes feel like they're either on fire or there are razors trying to dig them out of my skull. It hurts to breathe and swallow. My stomach is empty, because I refuse to go through the pain of eating. When I sleep, I sweat profusely... this disgusting, COLD sweat that I can't stand, so I don't sleep. In that, I'm so tired. My head is spinning. Every time I stand up, I feel drunk. I'm not talking about that light-hearted "weeee!" drunk... I'm talking that nausious, churning "BLEh!" drunk...|
To top it all of, I had to stay home today. My temperature last night was 104.3... another degree higher, and I would be .7 degrees away from death... O,o That's scary, seeing as how a degree is not hard to rise. But back on track... I had to stay home today--probably a first since Thanksgiving... I didn't get to see him today...
I feel obsessed. I've been asking myself all day if I'm just too possessive or what... I can't decide for myself anymore. I feel like Alyssa: needing to spend every second of my waking life with him. I know I can't, though. I don't know what else to say on this note...
I feel horrid. Jessie was supposed to spend the night tonight and last night... Last night, it's a good thing she didn't. She would've caught whatever I have... but tonight: my temperature is normal, yet, because I was sick, I'm not going to risk her getting this shit... Maybe it's just me: with my weak immunity and whatnot... I don't know, but the risk still persists, and as long as it's there, I'd rather not chance it.
My heart-beat is so rapid all of the sudden. I get these hot-flashes then cold-flashes. My mind is racing. I can't see straight... I don't know what's going on anymore. I wonder if maybe this is what death feels like... but then again, I should know, shouldn't I? It's funny: while you're sick, you ask God why he did this to you--why he's putting you through so much pain--but after you get better, you think, "Well, that wasn't so bad..." I know that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
In the meantime, though, I think I'm dying...